I decided to make a Unofficial rules for Sea Patrol after I read The Unofficial Rules of the USS Enterprise by Saphura on Fanfiction, so I decied to make a Sea Patrol one. I've got a few rules so far and here they are:

1. Swain is not a witch doctor, only a doctor, nothing more nothing less.

2a. The shipwide broadcast system is not a forum for expressing my views

2b. Nor is it a medium to broadcast incriminating footage of any officer, manipulated or not.

2c. Nor may I use it to play music.

3. I am not authorized to order Nav to "set a course for White Castle"

4. Ground control to Major Tom" is not acceptable manner of opening a communication channel. You can only use the standard Naval alphabet code.

5. I am not permitted to take non-sentinent life-forms  aboard and claim them as pets.

6. First Watch/Middle Watch is not against my religion.

7. My shirt must remain on at all times.

8. Diving off the ship to head off a live mine is not permitted.

9a. "Naked Time" is not an acceptable response to the question "What time is it?"

9b. Nor is "Party O'Clock" or "Hammertime".

10. Do not juggle screwdrivers. Swain is starting to get annoyed at how many people come into the Wardroom with screwdrivers sticking out of arms and hands.

11. Do not, under any circumstances, set anybody's alarm to 2:00 in the morning. It woke up the whole entire ship, and the ship usually has it's own wake up time.

12a. Do not play paintball near the Engine Room (or any other part of that ship for that matter).

12b. And do not play cricket in the hallway’s either.

13. Procrastinating on reports and assignments is a bad idea and makes you seem very unprofessional.

14. Theses following religions are banned on the Hammersley:

• Saradomin
• Zarmorak
• Guthix

And we aren’t even sure if these are actually real, so you cannot take days off or skip First Watch because of it.

15a. A toupee is not an acceptable birthday gift for a commanding officer, especially is said CO has no hair.

15b. Note: A toupee is not an acceptable gift for anyone.

16. “Pig Latin” is not an acceptable output mode for the universal translator.

17. You may not, in times of crisis, shout your own made-up strings of technological babble at the crew.

18. In no known sentient culture is giving the finger considered a compliment.

19a. You will not change the Royal Australian Navy Handbook to make “Talk like a Pirate Day” part of regulations.

19b. Even if I am paid to do it

19b. And even if the rest of the crew want’s it too.

20. Don’t ask a Scottish crewman where “their little dress is”

21. “Kick butt and take names” are two things you are not authorized to reply when queried as to our intentions by people who want to kill us.

22a. You are no longer allowed to say that you “love the smell of Typhoon’s in the morning” after each tactical exercise.

22b. Especially if it isn’t even morning.

23. Fuzzy dice are not appropriate decorations for the Helm station.

24. The Port and Starboard engines will not go faster if I offer them a blood sacrifice.

25. I will not cite my ship to get hotel rooms.

26a. Ships are not a democracy

26b. As such, it is not proper for crewmembers to attempt to “vote off” the current captain in favour of a ruthless mercenary on the ground that “the new guy isn’t a pussy”.

27a. There is no Article in really fine print on the Royal Australian Navy Charter that allows me instant promotion to Captain.

27b. There’s no treasure map on the back of the Charter either.

27c. It is wrong to tell new crewmembers that

27d. Or Mercenaries.

28. RHIB drag racing is not okay

29a. “Tricking Out” the RHIB’s is not prohibited.

29b. As is chroming the Port and Starboard engines of the ship.

30. There will be no more spreading rumors about the Oompa-Loompas in the Engine room.

31a. The is no “ramming speed”

31b. And Graunch Boardings are not prohibited either.

32. It is not proper to shout “Iceberg, right ahead!” when on Navigation duty, unless there is actually an iceberg there.

33. Though it displays excellent group cohesion, you will no longer lead the other crewmembers marching down the hall while chanting, “This is my rifle, this is my gun, this one’s for shooting, this one’s for fun”.

34. Spray paint is not a toy

35. “Someone set us up the bomb” is not an acceptable way to report damage to the ship.

36a. “I took an arrow to the knee” is not an excuse for missing your shift.

36b. Unless you actually took a real arrow to the knee, get back to work, or get down to the Wardroom.

37a. Your job is not to “pick things up and put them down”. You have other duties too.

37b. You job is also neither “picking things up and putting them down in another place”.

38. Whn snding n oficil rprts, plz spl chk. Ppl 4get univrsl trnsl8tr no spk txt.

39. If it sounds illegal for a navy ship to do, then don’t do it. Simple as that.

40. No matter what people say, Lieutenant Commander Dahlhaus is not to be placed in Austere, just because you say he committed crimes of violence against people. I’m pretty sure Navcom would have checked his record before accepting him into the Navy.

41. Playing the entire Kevin Bloody Wilson discography is not to be used as a morale-building exercise, and furthermore, the ship’s company would probably thing the music to be on the….. Insulting side of thing.

42a. Bourbon does not cure a toothache

42b. Neither does Whiskey.

42c. Or Scotch

42d. And Vodka doesn’t either.

42e. And, there is no place on earth, where cold water cures a toothache. It only makes it worse.

43. Going on Facebook on duty is bad.

44a. Stop trolling Admirals or anyone of a higher rank than you are.

44b. This doesn’t include Douchebags and Jerks. You can Troll them as much as you like.

45. “Yananzaman” is not a word, and Urban Dictionary is not a reliable source as a dictionary.

46. Do not make fun of people’s accents

47a. Stop using the Engine room to play mega games of hide and seek

47b. or manhunt

47c. or kick the can

47d. or paintball

47e. or laser tag

48. Don’t flirt with people in front of your Commanding Officers

49. You may not teach other officers offensive phrases in Chinese or Korean under the guise of useful phrases.

50a. No, we will not “Do it for a scooby snack”.

50b. Or two.

50c. Or a whole box

51a. We do not care if “Bow ties are cool”, they are not standard uniform, thus you cannot wear them.

51b. Same goes for fezzes.

51c. And stetsons

51d. We don’t care what that guy said! You can’t wear them.

52. When you are told to fix something, you may not take a short cut by using duct tape.

53. “Ain’t” isn’t a word last time we checked. Do not use it in reports or when responding to dignitaries.

54. If you find something funny, don’t leave the rest of us in the dark about it.

55. Snuggies are not appropriate to wear while on duty.

56. Who told Ryan that Clefairy live on the moon

57. You are not allowed to send someone to the wardroom because they “have a case of the Mondays”

58. Stop yelling “Get’er done”

59a. Make sure you understand important local customs before you get there. If you get arrested, your bail will come out of your paycheck. Not to mention we will leave you in jail for a night (Hey, the Captain said it first, not us)

59b. And if the said person is the Captain, then it is the same for him too.

60. How the heck did you get footprints on the ceiling?

61. The maximum number of people you can have in your quarters is ten. This is for your own good, and to avoid any more structural damage.

62. Stop stealing the “Do not disturb” signs from hotels so you can pin them outside your quarters. If you are late for something, you will be disturbed.

63. The Hammersley does not need a mascot (We already have one. His name is Thor)

64. “Give me liberty, or give me death” is probably not the best thing to tell any person that has some kind of weapon in their hand.

65a. Who put plastic wrap across the hallway? Take it down and don’t do it again

65b. Same with the plastic wrap on the senior officer’s toilets.

66. Why are there ducks in the hallway? And where did the come from.

67. Stop gluing people’s shoes to the ceiling. It’s just weird.

68. Stop sticking decorative magnets on the engines, They’re messing with the Engines and Charge doesn’t like the fact that his whole Engine room is covered in nyan cat magnets.

69. You do not need to make “Pre-Flight” announcements before leaving port.

70. Do not spike the punch

71a. “Another one bites the dust” is not appropriate victory music.

71b. And it also isn’t a good funeral song either, so don’t play it

72. Stop labeling stuff. When all know what a fridge, chair, navigation console, etc. is.

73a. You do not need to celebrate towel day.

73b. Or waffle day

73c. Or any holiday that is not on a standard issue calendar.

74. Stop sticking bobble-heads and hula dancers to the Helm and Navigation consoles. The bobble-heads are annoying, and the dancers are distracting, and both can be dangerous projectile should the come loose.

75. There is no such thing as a “Get out of Austere free card”

76. DO not use any “Fun” fonts for you reports. If it isn’t the standard font, it is not allowed to be use on official documents like reports.

77. Life-size cutouts are hereby banned from the Hammersley.

78. No bonfires onboard.

79. There is no such position as “Ship’s philosopher”. Thus, you cannot be a “Ship’s Philosopher” just to get out of shaving in the morning

80a. No more “Pumpkin Football”.

80b. Or Baseball

80c. Or Hockey

80d. Or any Pumpkin sports.

81. Never mess with Charge’s Engine room

82. Would you please stop yelling “It’s a trap!” Every time a hostile vessel shows up?

83. Do not burst onto the bridge and yell “We forgo so-and-so!” On whatever island we were last on, when we haven’t left them behind.

84. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

85. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

86. You’re driving us crazy. Yes, that’s a rule.

87. Bi-monthly physicals are not optional.

89a. When you are told to do something by a superior officer, “that’s what she said” is not the way to respond. Especially if that officer is a guy

89b. “You want me to do what?” and “Why?” are not acceptable answers either.

89c. Nor is “do it yourself”.

90a. “Everybody else is doing it so why shouldn’t I” and “I don’t see anything bad happening to me so far” are two excuses that you are not allowed to use on the Hammersley anymore.

90b. As is “Nobody is going to tell ME what to do”.

91. When firing the Typhoon, you do not need to yell “fire in the hole!”

92. Do not prank call other warships. They are starting to hate us for it, and RO will seriously hurt the next person who does it.

93. Do not attach a Jolly Roger flag to the Hammersley flag pole

94. Please leave the jury-rigging to the Engineers

95. Codenames are not necessary for basic landing parties

96. Diet Coke and Mentos fountains are not allowed on the Hammersley.

97. When someone says “This is (whatever)”, do not respond “No, this is Sparta”.

98. Do not pump helium gas into a room during any kind of meetings or events.

99. “Shoot first, ask questions later” is normally not the best diplomatic approach.

100. If you get lost easily, stop and ask for directions. Don’t use breadcrumb trails.

101. No more “pumpkin chunkin’ contests”. Maintenance is tired of cleaning squished pumpkin off the walls.

102. Instant messaging people while on duty is not allowed.

103. Unless you have a rank over Lieutenant Commander, or have past connections or are a good friend of, do not call Captain Flynn ‘Mike”

104. The only time you are allowed to say your name is “Bond; James Bond” is when you are being interrogated or if it is actually your name.

105. When something goes wrong on a landing party, do not call the Hammersley and say “Houston, we have a problem”.

106. When the captain is asking you about who started a fight or something like that, do not start a round of “I am Sparticus”. He will not find it funny.

107. “Water-skiing” behind the RHIB’s is now prohibited.

108. If you wish to work out, go to the gym. Do not run laps around the ship.

109. Stop driving golf ball into the ocean.

110.Moving someone’s towel to the other side of the shower room while they are in the shower is not funny. Do not do it again.

111. When in doubt, C4 is not the answer.

112. Do not end transmission with “End of Line”. The official ending is “Out”.

113. Using Swain’s medical supplies to make smoke bombs is prohibited, so please stop.

114. There is a time and place for arguments over sports teams; however on the Bridge while on duty is not one of them.

115. Stop stealing people’s left shoes, and then gluing said left shoes to the ceiling.

116a. Drinking excessively large amount of coffee is never a good idea for multiple reasons.

116b. That also goes for Nav’s Navigator Brew.

117. Stop calling Nav “Radar”

118. When someone is drunk, kindly keep the OFF the Bridge.

119. The Navigation Station is not a “TomTom”.

120a. Stop “Rick Rolling” the Admirals, they are getting really upset.

120b. Stop “Rick Rolling” people in general

121. Do not call you superior officers “skxawng”. The will find out what it means, and you will be sorry.

122. We do not live in a “Yellow Submarine”, we live in a warship.

123. Just because you know how to swear in another language does not mean you know how to speak said language.

124. Do not use other people as battering rams.

125. Stop telling you high school aged siblings/family members/friends about some of these Rules. We do not need lawsuits if word gets back that they got the idea for a Senior prank from the Hammersley.

126. Before you go on a boarding party, you do not need to tell people in a menacing voice that you’ll be back.

127. When on the bridge, do not ask “Are we there yet?” every two minutes.

128. Do not steal people’s mattresses.

129. Before you step onto this ship, you should probably figure out how Military Time works.

130. Do not paint murals on the walls in the corridors, even if they are really good.

131a. Do not spike the Captain’s coffee

131b. Do not spike anybody’s coffee for that matter.

132. Don’t tell people to “dude, get a life”

133. Be careful with what you post of Facebook. Most crewmembers can see what you post on there.

134a. Stop photo shopping the Senior Officers’ heads onto sexy bodies

134b. And stop photo shopping their heads onto ugly bodies.

135. Yes, we know you “have a bad feeling about this”, you don’t need to tell us every single time!

136a. Do not put bugs into other people’s quarters

136b. And do not put the swimming survival dummy Oscar into people’s cabins either,

137a. Stop randomly slapping people upside the head.

137b. But if they deserve it, go for it.

138. Do not stand on your work console and say “O Captain, my Captain!”

139. When Swain says that someone is dead, they are dead. Do not argue with him about it by saying “They aren’t dead yet!”

140. Don’t bring people into the Wardroom and say that they are dying or will be dead soon if they are clearly very much alive.

141a. You do not need to yell “In yo(ur) FACE!” when a ship id defeated and/or destroyed.

141b. Or “You just got served!”

142. The “Ministry of Silly Walks” does not exist, thus you cannot say you  are a member of it (walk normal people!).

143a. Whoever leaves messages written in some form for rune-code, please stop it, give us a translation and /or give us the code.

143b. Labo vi Orodruin; garich I dhôl goll o Orch!

143c. Please translate (you failed to give us the code).

143d. Do jump in Mount Doom, you have the hollow head of an orc!

143e. Well that was a bit harsh.

144. It is recommended that you wear matching socks.

145. It is also recommended that you wear standard issue socks, not crazy ones….. we’re not going into detail.

146. Stop stealing people’s socks

147. When something comes with a “Don’t try this at home”, it has a sub-warning of “Don’t try this on Warships either!”

148. It is remarkably stupid to let your pet tarantula loose in the rec rooms.

149. Stop yelling “Holy (insert-something-here) Batman!”

150. Stop shouting “DON’T PANIC!” whenever the ship is on alert. We know you’re trying to help, but it really doesn’t help.

151. If you manage to knock out power to some part or most of the ship, report that you did so. Your punishment will be far LESS severe than if a superior has to go looking for you, and the rest of us can have our power back much faster.

152. “Danger” is not your middle name. We looked them up.

153. Do not have the new crew members stand up in front over everybody on their first day and say “Everybody this is Able Seaman/Lieutenant/Lieutenant Commander So-and-so. Be nice to them and help them out with learning the ropes” or anything of that nature. It’s traumatizing the newbies.

154a. The Hammersley is not the Molentary Express

154b. Or the Hogwarts Express

154c. Or the Polar Express

154d. Or the Wanderer

154e. Or the Oriental Express

154f. Or any train.

155. There is no “shotgun” seat on a warship, so don’t call it.

156. Making finger pistols when guns or the Typhoon is fired is inappropriate and childish. Especially on the Bridge.

157. Do not give ratings on the resulting explosions of a destroyed ship. It is highly frowned upon.

158a. If you break it, report the problem to Charge. Do not try and fix it yourself even if you are in engineering.

158b. If you break it actually report it and don’t hope that somebody else will find the problem and fix it themselves.

159. Austere is not to be used as a ”time-out zone”; no matter how much someone needs a time-out.

160. It is impossible to keep something secret for more than a week or two. Most likely, someone will find out in less time.

161. No whoopee cushions. Especially on the Bridge and on the Captain’s chair.

162. Swain does not have “mad ninja reflexes”.

163. Austere is not to be used as a “sobering zone”. If you have a hangover, stay in your quarters or go see Swain.

164. If you don’t know what it is or what it does, DON’T TOUCH IT!

165. Chair jousting in the halls is not allowed.

166. No paper airplanes on the Bridge. Even during First Watch

167. Putting on makeup is not a suitable excuse as to why you are late to your shift.

168. Do not block-up someone’s plumbing as a prank because it could affect the rest of the ship.

169. Do not stick gel decorations on the ceiling of the Bridge.

170a. Radio Officers are no longer permitted to answer transmissions from Navcom and tell them we are currently unavailable.

170b. Or to leave a message after the beep, and then say “beep”.

171. No graffiti on the senior officer’s doors.

172. Do not camp outside someone’s room to wish them a happy birthday right on the stroke of midnight. The rest of us, and the birthday person, do not appreciate being woken up like that.

173. Flying miniature helicopters and airplanes in the corridors is now prohibited. People are tired of getting hit in the head.

174. We understand that you think someone is stealing your food, but please call Swain instead of setting up a really elaborate trap to catch the thief.

175. Food fights in the mess hall are banned. If you start one….. you don’t want to know.

176. No trick-or-treating or caroling around the ship.

177. Do not shop for stuff on EBay while on duty

178. Don’t post flyers through the ship when it is someone’s birthday.

179. There is no such thing as “Casual Fridays” on a Warship.

180. Do not tell a superior officer to “chill”.

181. If the ship is under attack, get to your battle stations IMMEDIATELY. We realize the ship can and will be jerked about, but that is no reason to continue to your stations.

182. Slipping any coloured hair dye into a superior officer’s (or any officer’s for that matter) shampoo is not allowed.

183. Converse high-tops are not proper uniform attire.

184. Falling asleep while on duty is bad.

185. Don’t put super glue on the station chairs on the Bridge.

186. Setting up obstacle courses in the hallways in no longer permitted.

187. Just because you don’t like the paint colour in your quarters, does not entitle you to you repaint your walls a different colour.

188. Just because you overslept does not entitle you to wear pajamas to your shift, even if you are half-dressed in your uniform.

189. Don’t tell your parents the reason you didn’t call sooner was….. well, what normally happens. Just say communications were down or something.

190. Granted the Hammersley does have a flagpole, you are not allowed to find alternative means of hanging people’s unmentionables in public places.

191. No streaking in hallways. Please.

192. DO not tack up pink fuzzy dice above the Bridge window.

193a. Do not self-diagnose, that is Swain’s job

193b. Don’t self-prescribe drugs either.

194a. RO will not help your high school/cousin/friend/anybody with their homework.

194b. RO is not allowed to help anyone’s high school aged sibling/cousin/friend/anybody with their homework.

195. We don’t know where Nemo is!

196. When someone is running because they are late for something, do not yell after them “Run, Forest! Run!”.

197. Do not send messages to Navcom in “dead” languages or fake languages, (i.e. Latin, Old and Middle English, Pig Latin, Na’vi), Just standard.

198. Stop cooking food with the Engines. Especially marshmallows.

199a. After an intense showdown of some sort involving the Hammersley and something/someone who means the ship and her crew harm, do not say “dude, that was awesome!”.

199b. Don’t say “let’s do that again” either

200. Don’t go to your shift drunk or hung-over.

201. The 21st century show Sea Patrol may have some similarities to the Hammersley (okay, A LOT), but watching all the episodes doesn’t mean you’ll know what will happen tomorrow.

202a. Bribery via food is frowned upon

202b. Bribery via alcohol is forbidden (especially since it has been proven to work on occasion).

203a. Food and drink is not allowed at work stations (except coffee).

203b. Food is allowed when the ship is stationary and when nobody is needed on the Bridge.

204. You cannot hire someone to do your shift for you.

205a. Do not restock the weapons lockers with “Bang!” guns.

205b. Or Phaser’s from that Star Trek show.

206. Stop trying to get pizza delivered to the Hammersley. It won’t work, and drives the pizza people crazy. Especially if the Hammersley is out at sea.

207. Do not put chewed gum under work stations and consoles. Please.

208. You are not allowed to paint racing striped onto the RHIB’S

209. Please warn your neighbours before practicing your drum solo at 0300 hours.

210. No more toga parties during First Watch. Uniforms are obligatory, no matter what shift you are on.

211. The Hammersley is a state-of-the-art Warship. NOT A TOY!

212. There is not a crazy hat day; Thus you are not allowed to celebrate it.

213a. THE GAME does not exist

213b. That being said, you have all just lost THE GAME.

214. The Hammersley is not a democracy. If you are told to do something by someone of a higher rank, you do it!.